Friday, May 18, 2007

Job Posting

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Ma, Mommy, Momma.

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent
work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournamentsin far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier
duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be
hated,
at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to
bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack
mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan
and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-
million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job
is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge
can
ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job
training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent
raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because
of the assumption that college will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and
wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs
for life if you play your cards right.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

That was great! I read it to my mom and we liked it!

The Harper Family said...

Cute! I'll have to forward this one.

Mandy said...

that is the truth!

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